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 Jokes In General

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Dumbledore27
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PostSubject: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptySun Oct 02, 2011 5:34 am

I put each joke in quotes because some of them are quite long so it's easier to distinguish between them. Smile

Customs Officer wrote:
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people In a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of de fokken automobile" the Germans
say unbelievingly. "Look at de dam papers: de car is designed
to karry funf Persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs
officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you
are thereforea breaking da law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over. I vant to speak to somevone vid more Intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy
witta 2 Guys in a Fiat Uno."

Apple store wrote:
In Apple store

Buyer: Hey, how much does that mac costs?
Seller: $1500
Buyer: So it must have a nVidia GTX480 and like 16GB of RAM right?
Seller: No, onboard graphics and 4GB of RAM
Buyer: So why is it so much?
Seller: The keyboard is nice ...

Old Apples wrote:
"What do you do with your Apple computer once you get bored of it?" -"You eat it!" *shows an eaten apple*
Jokes In General Green_Apple__97412_zoom

A wish wrote:
A Mac user found a magic lamp with a Genie in it. The Genie said he wasn't as powerfull as other Genies and could only grant one wish. So the Mac User brought out a map of the Middle-East and asked the Genie if he could bring peace to the people there.

The Genie said "Ah, you see, its hard to do that. Those people have been fighting for years. Its a religion thing, and about territory. Why as soon as they are teenagers, they go to war. Pick something else."

So the Mac User said, "Ok, make MacOS 8.0 a pre-emptive multitasking system, that is crash-proof and stable, has support for multiple processors, and still has 100% compatibility with all the current MacOS apps."

So the Genie shook his head and said, "Ah let me take a look at those maps again..."

Languages wrote:
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptySun Oct 02, 2011 1:29 pm

Why is santa's sack so big?
He only cums once a year Laughing


*courtesy of my 7 year old niece xD*
What did the perfume say to the other perfum?
pstt pssst!


lol I'm broke I dont have that many jokes on me xD

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptyTue Oct 18, 2011 6:38 pm

Quote :
man is in a coma. Nurses are in
her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private
area" and notices that there is a
... response on the monitor when he
touches her. They go to her husband
and explain what happened, telling
him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma." The
husband is skeptical, but they assure
him that they'll close the curtains for
privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The
hubby finally agrees and goes into
his wife's room. After a few minutes
the woman's monitor flat-lines... no
pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run
into the room. The husband is
standing there, pulling up his pants
and says, "I think she choked."

Quote :
Wikipedia: "I know everything!"
Google: "I have everything!"
Facebook: "I know everybody!"
Internet: "Without me, you all are nothing."
Electricity: "Keep talking, b*tches."

Quote :
What did the hoe left leg said to the right leg ? Nothing because they never met ^____^

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptyWed Dec 14, 2011 1:15 pm

By my definition, work is something you hate but you must do it. So technically school is work?

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptyThu Feb 09, 2012 1:00 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptySat Mar 10, 2012 2:57 am

Email heading from Spreadshirt:
Quote :
A shop without products is like tea without milk
So... It's even better? Smile

(I hardly ever drink tea with milk)

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes In General   Jokes In General EmptySun Mar 11, 2012 2:09 am

Quote :
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

xD

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